Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Scan Results 10/31/2017

You guys, I don't even know what to say right now, so I just am going to get right to it....

Our little Hazelnut has relapsed again.


To say we are devastated that she relapsed so quickly out of treatment, would be a gross understatement.  But this is the reality of childhood cancer.

Childhood cancer does not discriminate.

Childhood cancer is relentless.

Childhood cancer takes childhoods.

Childhood cancer is murderous.

We knew that this would be a possibility, because once a child relapses with Neuroblastoma, the likelihood of it recurring becomes very high, upwards of 80%.  So it isn't that surprising, but it is still a punch to the gut.

You always hope that it will be your child that will be the odds.  Your child that will not be one of the statistics.  Your child that will beat this thing. 

But the reality is, cancer doesn't care who your child is, how strong they are, or how many people they have surrounding them in prayer and support.

As of right now, we are still waiting for test results to determine the extent of her relapse, and we are going to perform some more tests next week to get a bigger picture of what is going on, so I will keep you updated.

The good news, is that this recurrence, as it is right now, is not urgent.  We were not asked to drop everything and begin treating it immediately.  We have time to study it, and make the best plan we can.  And we have one of the best Neuroblastoma doctors on our side.  Hazel's oncologist, Dr. Marachelian, is not only an incredible physician, but she is also a leading researcher in the Neuroblastoma world, being crucial in some of the most recent advancements.

We will continue to do everything we can to save our daughter, and before anyone comes to me with messages of "miracle cures", please know that we have not left any stone unturned.  She is already using Cannabis Oil and essential oils, we follow an anti-cancer diet, and she takes all kinds of supplements and probiotics.  We still believe these can help her, but if they were going to save her, they would have done so already.

We just humbly ask that you stand by our family, holding us in your thoughts, hearts and prayers, as we try to make the best and some of the most difficult decisions we can for our little girl.

We still have Hope for Hazel, as she has beat this thing twice, and we can believe that she can do it again.  But please pray for our spirits, as it is so easy to lose hope, and to be overcome with fear and bitterness.  I have held onto some of that bitterness, and have even directed it toward God, so I beg you to please hold us up in prayer so that we may see His goodness, His peace, His love.

Until we have more answers next week, we get this week to spend time together as a family, building as many happy memories as we can.  We have not told the children yet, (please, if you see them, do not say anything) as we would like them to have a carefree Halloween.  Although, Hazel, who is too smart for her own good, does already know.  

In true Hazel fashion, she took the news unbelivably well.  She stood up determined, wiped her hands and said, "Okay."  Then on the way home she started jokingly yelling in anger, "Cancer, you get out!  I'm going to punch you and kick you out of there.  No!  I'm going to push so hard, that I'm going to poop you out.  No chemo, just poop you out!"  

She laughed and then said, "Okay, I'm making this too funny now".

I said, "No honey, absolutely not.  You make it as funny as you can.  The best thing we can do right now is stay positive and have hope.  So you make all the jokes you want to, my love."

Last night, I was reminded of something she said on Sunday while we were at the park celebrating my youngest son's 5th birthday.  She breathed in the crisp fall air, looked up to the sky and said, "The world is beautiful today".  And despite this news, my daughter is right, the world is beautiful today and we will hold onto that.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

A Slice of Life

     Oh my goodness, how has it been 2 1/2 months since I last updated?!  For those of you who may have been worried, my apologies!  But for those of you who know me personally, know that I have not updated because we, as a family, have been absolutely reveling in the unexpected gift of "normal" life.

Most importantly, our little Hazelnut is doing great!  She has been off of chemo since our last update in July, and on her daily ALK Inhibitor medication, which has meant that her body has been recovering.  Her color is back, her hair is growing, she is gaining weight, and has been eating everything in sight. After barely eating anything for a year, I'm so thankful for that last one!  Also, her anxiety levels have lowered, and more and more each day, I have seen her joyful disposition return.  It has been so nice to see my girl again!

In the middle of August, Hazel began 1st grade.  All summer, she was very nervous, believing she would not be able to keep up with her friends, or that people would laugh at her because of her bald head.  But school has been nothing short of incredible!  She ha caught up faster than I though she would, and absolutely loves learning.  Her friends all love and adore her, many of them wearing their "Hope for Hazel" bracelets, and never once making her feel like an outsider.  

At the end of August, we hosted our annual Ever After Ball, benefiting the St. Baldrick's Foundation.  Last year, we raised a little over $50,000, and this year was even better!  WE RAISED $83,000 (and still counting)!!!  And because both Hazel and Zein Youssef (the young boy who we honored at our event, and is a fellow Neuroblastoma fighter) have battled Neuroblastoma, and the doctor we honored is the Medical Director for the New Approaches to Neuroblastoma Therapy (NANT) consortium, St. Baldrick's decided to gift all of our proceeds to NANT to ensure that all of that $83,000 goes to Neuroblastoma research!  What an amazing night it was!

In September, we had another incredible thing happen to our family, in the form of a much needed vacation, but I want to save that for another post.  It really came at such a good time though, because September, being Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, was much harder for me, emotionally, than I anticipated.  As many of you know, this last year I went into a very deep depression.  There were days where I spent much of it on the floor in a puddle of tears, and my brain was so overloaded, that there were many times where I couldn't even figure out how to do laundry, or even take a shower.  After many months of therapy, and medicinal and natural assistance, I am finally beginning to feel more like myself each day.  I can see the joy where I didn't see it before.  I can be positive in moments, when before, all I could see and feel was hopelessness.  But in my recovery, I have had many ups and downs, and September was filled with many down days.  I had to take it upon myself to remove social media from my life as much as I could.  The stories, the images, the friends who were suffering were just too much for me to take.  Of course, I felt guilty leaving those I love without my support. But what I realized, is that if anyone understands why I had to do what I had to do, it was these very families. They understand better than anyone, the intricacies and the depths of despair a parent of a child with cancer can feel.  So although I wish I could have stood by them in support and in raising awareness for childhood cancer this year, I also know that they get it...

With that, I would like to thank all of you who, in our absence, stood by us and continued to show your support.  It really has meant the world.  I hope I can continue to recover, along with Hazel, and we can keep all of our friends, families and supporters up to date.  

That being said, our most recent update includes what is upcoming for Hazel.  Her doctor wants to keep Hazel on her ALK inhibitor for as long as she can tolerate it, and as long as she stays NED.  We will continue to check in with the doctor every month, to make sure she is still doing well on it.  Then every three months, she will have scans.  Her next set of scans are actually already around the corner!  Her scans are scheduled for October 30th.

Since these are the first scans off chemo, I am very anxious.  Please keep her, and our family in your thoughts and prayers.  For now, I will leave you with a few photos of our beautiful, healthy looking girl: